As of October 12, 2017, my mom’s first book, “Defiant Souls” was available for purchase. This is now the second member of my family who has a booked published. And I am still waiting for Angela to finish her trilogy – ahem. Although I am happy for my mom, it depresses me in a way. It lends credence to my own laziness and how I am nowhere near where I wanted to be in life.
Everyone’s First Book
Don’t get me wrong, I am proud of my mom and her accomplishment. I am extremely excited to get some free time and read through it. However, there is still a part of me that wants to dive into a pity party.
I am more angry at myself than anything. Sure I am a successful ghostwriter, but no one knows the work I produce – hence the ghostwriting part. Aside from my blogs, nothing really has my name on it. I love my job, but there are times when it would be pretty cool to look over at the bookshelf and see my name on the spine of something.
I don’t even care about the popularity or the royalties. Just accomplishing something more would be good enough for me.
My Own Laziness
I talk a big game when it comes to trying to fire others up to be a success. Unfortunately, I fall short a lot of the time for myself. If I would have put in even half of the effort I preach about, I surely would have been published by now.
One of my biggest problems is comfort. It’s easy to hide from the world and be a ghostwriter who doesn’t really have a lot of heavy demands. I write the content, I get paid. Simple. But what if I am tired of being simple?
The bottom line is doing something about my laziness. I often try to conceal my issues by saying that I don’t have the time to write or that I am always busy. In some cases it’s true. But the majority of the time, I waste a lot of my time during the day.
Case in point, I knew mom was getting a book published last year. It was my goal to finish my novella, “VII” before then. You guessed it…that never happened. Although I have been working on it, the book is still unfinished – more than a year after I started it.
What Do I Really Want in Life?
Another issue I’ve been having as of late is dealing with a midlife crisis. My depression isn’t as bad as it was, but I am still having a hard time with age. In fact, I crashed in a spectacular way. And not even writing my first book would have saved me.
It all boils down to not knowing what I want to be when I grow up. I want to do so much, and it gets overwhelming at times. Lately, it seems everything I try backfires in a blazing heap of twisted metal and charred wood.
Who am I? What am I doing? Those are questions I wish I could answer with certainty. Instead, I put on a mask and try to pretend to fit in. I have very few friends, no social life outside of my cats and I work from home. If I was a woman with grey hair, it would be cliché.
To be honest, I’m not really sure what I am doing. I try to meet each day and start off great. Then I stumble and find myself sitting in my office not really knowing what to do next.
I can’t really say that I’m a failure at anything because you need to do something in order to fail at it. I don’t. And the things I try don’t seem to work as quickly as I’d like, so I move on to something else.
Discovering My Passion
First and foremost, I am a writer. Although I’m not a novelist, I’ve always had a penchant for typing in any form. Most of my jobs involved the keyboard whether it was a data transcriber or a ghostwriting blogger. I love writing…but it seems I don’t love it enough to finish my own ideas.
What am I passionate about? Not a lot. There isn’t much that gets me truly excited anymore. And I don’t know if that’s from being broken or if I have some kind of severe mental deficiency. Perhaps it’s a little bit of both. After all, I have been diagnosed with manic bipolar disorder – a long time ago.
I know that once I start writing a piece of fiction, I become quite enthralled in it. I’ll get into these moods where I can easily crack out several pages in a night and have to force myself to bed. But then what happens? The drive dissipates for no real reason other than I am a lazy individual.
Have you ever woke up in the morning and say to yourself, “What the hell is wrong with you?” It’s not a good way to start the day. Although this doesn’t happen nearly as much as it used to, there are times when I just don’t know what I am doing.
Looking For Change
Like I tell everyone I try to help, “Change isn’t going to just happen.” The problem is, I really don’t know what I want to change into. I have Buckaroo Bonzai syndrome in that I want to do it all and excel.
The first thing I should probably do is decide what is going to be a priority for me. How do I want to change? What I’m doing now surely isn’t working well for my mental state.
Wow…it’s amazing how something as simple as a first book from my mom can throw me into mental disarray. Maybe I am more broken than I thought.
Proud of My Mom
I am excited for Mom, but I am cloaked in my own misery. Maybe I can look to Mom as a positive focal point that it’s never too late to do something. Maybe my age really isn’t as much of a problem as I am making it out to be. Sigh…still have a long way to go.
And by the way, I do plan on writing a review for my mom’s first book, “Defiant Souls” as soon as I am done reading it. But so far, it seems to be quite popular among some of the critics I’ve seen online.